She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
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People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.