Just a bush.
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Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
The Compass
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit