Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
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4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Who chose this font
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
@funTweeters
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.