[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
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Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating