Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
You Might Also Like
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!