“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
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Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?