it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
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Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
i choose….tongue
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
S M O L
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.