Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
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Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Chicago sounds lovely.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Uh oh…
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.