Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
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I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
no such thing as a dumb question
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.