I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
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Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments