Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
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My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
tis the season
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀