thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
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HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
good morning
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Dammit Chief not again
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.