boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
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Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣