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when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”