Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
*jingles half the way*
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.