I’d use my best pan on you.
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Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I’m an avid indoorsman.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering