My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
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Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it