My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
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I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.