Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
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What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.