Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Perfection.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*