My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
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Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
*shrugs*
*swipes right*