me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
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if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive