Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Expect the unexporcupine.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
ok like just. call me at this point
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.