Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
You Might Also Like
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
We found love in a hopeless place.
When you’re here for the treats.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered