The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
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IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good