If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
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Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.