Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?