Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
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Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
*me flirting
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!