Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.