I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
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Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
spot the difference
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!