you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
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Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
God, I love Scotland
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
*pronounces fake like saké*
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?