Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
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Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.