He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
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Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
👾👾👾
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.