Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.