ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
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[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Most fashion shows these days…
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os