Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
You Might Also Like
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
What
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”