Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
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I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
all that yoga finally paid off
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
me before I type out affect or effect
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*