just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
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If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”