Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
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The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are