I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
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Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed