[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
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Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist