If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
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DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.