Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
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Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
same energy
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?