It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
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If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
inventing words: clothing
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Yup!
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.