NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
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i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.