The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
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Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
The three genders.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.