Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
You Might Also Like
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
fourth time’s the charm
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green