Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
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OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
How to draw a duck
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
RT if you could go either way.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy