Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
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me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
me refusing to leave twitter
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option