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Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, heβs starting to rethink his decisions
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
ME: No Officer, I swear Iβm not high
CAT: For the last time, Iβm not a cop, and cats canβt talk
ME: Whew! In that case Iβm high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure Iβd probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that itβs raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: youβll shrivel up you knowβ¦
Me: Youβre crazy, itβs so wet out there π
Me: think Iβm gonna crawl across the entire driveway π³
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, donβt bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Husband βI thought you were dieting?β
Me βI amβ
Husband βYou just ate 6 Oreosβ
Me βYes but I want to eat 12. See – Dietingβ
today my daughterβs preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because βtheyβre codependent and fall apart without each other.β like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE βπΌπππ
new wife guy just dropped
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*